Think Like a Whale!

Recently, in a large city in Australia , a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer,do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
A middle-aged woman,whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life,
get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,
seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,
the Bering Sea
and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers
and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators
other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,
they would be lining up outside the offices
of Argentinean psychoanalysts
due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either..
Not to mention,
who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.

P. S. We are in an age
when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a glass of wine with my friends. 
With time, we gain weight
because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am! 

 

 

The Glorious East End Women, Come enjoy the sites!

 That's right it's summertime again, time for all you men to enjoy the beautiful east end women in their their top of the line bikinis.
                                
                                                For the bosom guys!                                       
                                           
                                        Have enough energy for TWINS!
                                       
                                       If you are on VIAGARA this group is for you!
                                              

Hurry and get to those beaches because before you know it Fall will be back and clothes will go on!

                       Have a great summer east enders!

Bunland Exclusive: Sid's Secret Revealed!

So the latest blog in Bunland leads a reader to believe that Jim's third rabbit Sid is a real love! Sweet, tolerant, and good tempered. Fluffy, fuzzy, and warm. Always there to love. Well snap out of it, and take the bunny fuzz out of your brain Jim!

I had the rare opportunity of caring for your little satanistic conquest you call a dwarf rabbit. This rabbit actually growls..yes I said growls. That's not the cutest part though, the best is when he growls as he is knawing your hand or ankle off. I have never experienced animal care to this extent. It was the Omen all over again, just instead of satan being a little boy, he was a pint sized throw pillow known as Sidney the rabbit. I swear this rabbit was once a werewolf and was regenerated as a dwarf bunny on Plum Island!

So what could a good caregiver do? I had a quick saiance, then blessed the apartment, and moved out of town!
                                                

Can a Devil Dog Turn a Good Rabbit Bad???

More problems in Bun Land Folks. The recent crisis was an awful odor eminating from Jim's apartment. Jim keeps the place immaculate so we just didn't understand it. It had been about 4 weeks and he was ready to pack up and move. A clean freak simply cannot tolerate these kind of conditions. As a last ditch effort to help I pulled out the couch, and...holy shit!!  There it was a stack of half eaten, rotten devil dogs with thousands of little bites and cream smears on them. Obviously we cleaned up the mess. Neither thumps or Fran would claim the devil dog fiasco. It was time to take an educated guess. There are two things a devil dog can give you : an erection or a fat ass. well, there was the answer, Thumps was limp and fran's ass fat! So aside from taking away her walbaums and visa card, Jim has her contained in a play area 24/7. I didn't feel bad about it until this letter below came in the mail. What would you do after reading the following:

Dearest human sister almost Kelly:

I don't know how I can live with what I have done. I am the culprit of the devil dog fiasco, yes I Thumper, doer of good....I messed up. If I had to suck down one more fucking bail of hay I would have killed myself. And my salad, so bland, just dark greens, the part most people skip in their salad. I was craving variety, and watching jim molest his devil dog last month just set me off. The way he licked the cream off his nose without flinching, even his farts smelled good after that. So I did it, I used peapod and ordered 12,000 boxes of devil dogs to be delivered. Then I hid them under the couch. This was no easy feet trying to fit all of those devil dogs and fran's fat ass under the same couch. But I did it.

Then I realized I could only eat a half at a time....Problem...I don't like sloppy seconds, so I would just move on to the next devil dog. I mean let's be realistic here, I'm a rabbit, I couldn't just throw the leftovers in the garbage like a human does. So they sat..and..well..here we are.

It's not like Fran is perfect either. You can't imagine how many copies of Cat Fancy she has stolen, and well..used for female things in the past. She really does deserve to be punished. What can I do my almost human sister...Help me!

Yours Truly,
Thumps

Bin Laden's Alternate Hide Out Revealed

Well let's face it, he was a smart cookie. Who would have had enough brass balls to hide out in a military occupied area for five years? Great job on the part of the Pakistani military...a big golf clap to their thorough investigative skills and loyal support of human rights.
It has been reported that his alternate plan was to camp out in the middle of times square, who knows how long it would have taken him to be discovered there. He was planning to dine at the white house, in a shroud of complete white as to meld in with the table cloth for cover. I don't know people, if criminals get any smarter what will we do?
                                                 

Is Frannie out and Bugs in???

Have you heard the latest gossip in Bun land? It has been said that James Junior has found a replacement for Frannie (the ugly but smart bunny). Apparently James has tired of her smart wit, deviant behavior, and controlling nature..and let's face it she's ugly as hell! It has also been revealed that her current partner and litter mate, THUMPS, is agreeable to this decision, and looks forward to his new partner Bugs Bunny! Two timing back stabber, after all the times she risked his neck to save hers, who does he think he is? It is rumored that Frannie will be dropped off at Bugs' hole with food and hay for a year and a six month pass to Jenny Craig. Sources close to the sick household state that Frannie would be more agreeable to this if James would just supply her with cable and a small GIMP (to replace Thumps).

Well Frannie, WATAOAW  (Women Against the Abuse of Abusive Women), wants to help you. We know how to get all of you're Ex's back, I have picked out a program just for a woman like you, it is guaranteed to work.

Seriously People, if you are still in love with you're Ex, try the following program, it's sick how well it works!
                                       http://tinyurl.com/4uf2uqy


Please leave comments if you have tried it, I love the success stories.


Also check out The Bun Life, and show your support for poor Fran!
http://tlhebunife.blogspot.com


                             

Exploring The Bun Life with James Junior

So this is a blog by James Junior called.."The Bun Life". It's a humorous blog about James and his three house rabbits. So he promotes the heading as, "What happens when a single guy and three rabbits live together?", or something like that. So I decided to answer that question and find out what really does happen.

This is what I came up with:

                                    

OMG! The offspring is a little strange.

So, what have we learned here? Do Not Ever leave a single guy alone with three rabbits!!!!

Just for Laughs check out the Bun Life by James Junior:

The Bun Life

Bad Haircuts for Babies

Ok, I admit it, I tried to save a buck on a professional haircut. Yes, I did it at home, with our dog buzzer..come on it's not that bad. I'm thinking of opening my own business for toddler haircuts...Make your appointments now!  
                                                                        

American Airlines Offers New Promotion for Seniors

Kudos to American airlines who recently designed a new round trip package price for seniors flying to Florida. The new package offers the following:

-Waterproof coach seating for the incontinent senior
- A personal life insurance agent available by flight phone
- Personal restraints for those with senility
- muzzles for those unwanted talkers
- and instead of oxygen masks (since they figure the senior would probably have a heart attack on a sharp descent anyway) a bag of xanax drops from the ceiling with a bottle of premium poland spring water.

All of this for the low rate of $399.00 round trip. The reduction in price is made possible due to the fact that most trips made by seniors are usually one way anyway.
                                                                                

= Email Scams=

The first email scam is so funny, it really cracks me up. The subject of the email reads, "Where would you like this shipped?". I simply reply, "to your house, make it COD". You can imagine the responses I have gotten back,  and still yet no packages.

The next is always an ambassador or some crap from another country. They want you to help them bank millions of dollars, and need your help. So I simply say "Sure I'd love to help, but I don't have a bank account. Could you Western Union me the $100.00 to open the account, so we can get started on the transaction." Hey, if a millionaire can't spend a hundred dollars to start a bank transaction, could it be that it's a scam? Still waiting for one of these guys to fork over the hundred bucks!

How about this one,"Hey you wanna meet me tonight?". Sure I do, why wouldn't I? I am a middle aged, mother of three, who doesn't know you from a hole in the wall. What time is good for you?

The best is "This is your last chance"....what they really mean is they are going to spam your inbox 40 times an hour for the next year or so, till you give in and purchase their useless information. Time to adjust the spam filter.
                                    

7- Eleven Does it again! Introducing The butterless bagel!

   What an idea, who are these engineering individuals who came up with this idea? They actually have found a way to avoid using butter completely on their rolls and bagels. How do they get away with this you ask? Come on, take a guess. Ok, I'll tell you: THEY LIE!
   It's absolutely amazing, the label reads "Buttered Bagel", but when the unsuspecting customer bites into it, they realize there is no butter at all. They simply purchased a dry bagel. Most customers would be too embarrassed to complain about such a thing, so the scam continues, and the profits soar. Once again, corporation pounding the wallets of society.                                                                                                                                          
                                      

"Save Jimmy Fund" -- Give Today From Your Heart --

We are calling out for help today to save my brother "Jimmy" from a lifetime of Bun Slavery. Jim has been enslaved for years by his group of bunnies Thumper (who probably is a follower), Sid (the muscle), and Frannie (the brains of the operation..and really ugly!!!). They slowly entwined Jimmy in their web of seclusion and made him their prisoner. Frannie has convinced the other two to hide Jim's cell phones, as he never answers the phone. Then she called a locksmith and had a lock put on the inside of his apartment door so he could not leave the place at all. We think she convinced Thumper to eat the key, but cannot confirm this detail at this time. So now all Jim can do everyday is serve them and care for them. I mean look at what they did to his couch....
I believe Fran is smiling here, evil witch! so anyway if you could find it in your heart to help him, please send $50.00 to:

Save the Stupid Rabbit Owner Fund
P.O. Box 444
Riverhead, N.Y.  44414

Please send cash, to allow for quicker distribution to our action plan teams. Be assured this is not a scam to collect money for his destitude sister. We truly love and care for Richard...I mean Jimmy, and want to help!
Any coupons to Winemart are also accepted.

Hospital Stay: 8 Ways to Make Your Nurse Hate You

Want to make your hospital stay as uncomfortable as possible? The best way to do this is to make sure your nurse hates you. Below you can find 8 ways to absolutely make her wish you were anyone's patient except hers.

1- This one is obvious: Ring That Bell!! Over and over, then when she gets to you explain that she took so long to get there you've simply forgotten why you rang, but not to worry as soon as you remember you'll ring again.

2- Ask for the bedpan, tell her your finished. Let her clean everything up, then tell her you have to go again. She'll really love you for this one.

3- Cough all over her, the bed, the table. Forget tissues, why would you want to spare anyone else the misery of your germs.

4- Curse as much as possible. There's nothing better than getting to your job early in the morning and having to listen to 10 cranky truck drivers.

5- If she's a god fearing woman (wearing a cross), be sure to start conversation about your paganistic beliefs, let the real satan worshipper in you come out.

6- When you get your meal tray, complain that it's not what you ordered, she will offer you another option. When you get that tray do the same. Then ask for the original tray back. In the meantime have your family bring up some fast food.

7- When your meds are delivered, ask for a full description of each and every pill, the side effects etc., if you want to take it all the way start trying to match up your symptoms with the medication side effects. She has all the time in the world for this and will truly hate your guts in the end.

8- Now just to make sure she feels completely and utterly unappreciated by you, make sure to rave about all other disciplines except nursing. You know the wonderful physical therapist, the great aide, the intelligent doctor. God forbid you thank your nurse.

Gotta Have a Sense of Humor for this One

We all know my heart sucks since the attack in 2008...and yada, yada, yada. So the latest is they want to install a defibrillator. Have to vent here. Every day since they told me this my mother is all with, "you have to do it", "it's a good idea", "when are you having the surgery". Ok, I didn't win ticket to a knicks game here, let's stop the cheering and think. At the time it was suggested my heart rhythm only changed due to stress or illness. Lately every morning and every night. So how many times will that beauty of device be zapping me each year, do the math, 730 times a year. Can you see me by July, I'd look like a french Fry. And what about the baby. did anyone consider that???? Since you can't know when you'll be zapped, how can you keep them safe. Do you really think I won't drop him if I get zapped by this thing unexpectedly, get real. That's like telling a mother on a crashing airplane to hold your baby instead of seatbelting him in. At 600 miles per second towards the ground I'd trust the seatbelt more.

And lastly, what about the LIPA bill, that's gotta be a dooozy! Smarter idea, consider compact AED system in the home. Mom, I'll look into it!

Happy Father's Day..My Dad Rocks!

As many of you know, I recently started a rather vulgar, sarcastic adult humor column, called "The Crack Up Corner". It really is distastefully funny.

So a friend asked me just yesterday, *the saint that she is*, "Aren't you afraid your dad will see the blog?"
I Flatly answered, "Who do you think gives me my ideas for content?".

I Love my Dad!

Butt Crack back in Style

That's right, it's the new fad! All you cable men out there, flaunt your butt crack, be proud your pants can't climb your gut! How do you attain this classy new look? According to Fashion Fad consultant Isee Yobutt, simply consume two to four twelve packs of Budweiser (Not the light brand) every four hours for say..twenty years. In no time you will resemble Larry "The Cable Guy", and the chicks will come flockin'. Levi's jeans has actually taken advantage of the new fashion and cut their jeans below gut level to promote the "Pants Falling Down" look. They should be in stores by the time the superbowl starts.

I Give You My Word (as a liar!)

Don't you just love it, liars in general. Masquerading as victims and saints. Someone said they would do something for me just yesterday, a simple task. I never asked, they offered. Knowing they wouldn't do it I didn't want to accept, it's more trouble than it's worth. But they insisted. So knowing they would back out, I figured I would call them early so I could plan to do it myself. Can you believe all day they avoided my call, putting my task off schedule by hours. Finally I get this person at her friend's house. Her friend says, after trying to reach this derelict all day, can she call you back. Hello?????!!!!????
I said "No".
Well she came to phone, obviously pissed off by my phone call. I mean how could I bother her, especially after she agreed to do something she had no intention of doing. The victim in her came out, I was in the wrong. I should apologize for trying to get an answer either way so I could plan my unimportant day. How do you say irresponsible B**ch in chinese? Anyway I have a point here.
All of us truthful, honest, caring people need to stop abusing the world's liars. It's just not fair to them. It's a free country and they should be able to lie as much as they want, and we should shut up and deal with it. Follow Obama's lead....lie,lie,lie...Yeah what was it he was going to do. Oh yeah...fix the economy...thank god I voted for him or I wouldn't understand what it was like to live in poverty. Guess where I'll be in four years when he's settling into his retirement home in some cush county, the unemployment line. How do you say NEW REPUBLICAN in english????
Liars...God's way of letting you know you haven't made it to heaven yet!

Washing Machine Broken????

I've got the answer East Enders...Forget the laundry mat.
Simply put your small amount of clothes in a mesh laundry bag and put them in the dishwasher. They will have to be wrung out and hung of course.
Then sit down and write a postcard to the over paid, fatcat laundry mat in your area. Tell them to Kiss Your Ass! You spent the money you would have used to do your laundry with them on a down payment for a house in Wyandanch! Who feels stupid now, huh???

Firewood for Sale: That's Original!

Drive anywhere on the East End and you will be sure to encounter Firewood for sale every 10 feet or so, on the side of the road. I mean why would you want to buy from a solid supplier when you could cheaply get yourself a pile of wet, snow drenched, un-measured wood from the side of the road for $85.00. Does anyone really know what a cord of wood looks like anymore? Just a hint, if it fits in the backseat of your volvo, it's not a cord. Out on the east end we call it a rip-off and you are known as the "Sucker". So what great forest did we get this wood from you ask? Our backyards, we are far to busy on facebook to actually research and travel to find quality wood. Don't mess with those piles either, they are strategically stacked to hide the warped pieces that will not burn in your fireplace. But on a bright note, at least the pumpkin pickers are gone!