Beware Of the Pumpkin Pickers

Have you been trying to get around this week by car? It's impossible to go anywhere with those damn pumpkin pickers in your way. They have managed to block every available route to the grocery store, and I am frigin' hungry. I heard they had a meeting last month and mapped out their roadblocks from the hamptons to Riverhead. Intelligent little buggers, aren't they? I'm sure there is an engineer or two among them. Well, it's time to strike back. Get out those big 4x4's and monster trucks, it's now $5.00 a head for each annoying pumpkin picker you take out. No credit if they are members of your family. Extra credit if they are political figures in the community!

Happy Frigin' Halloween!

Short Note: To all my friends who are putting rocks in their candy, forget M&M's, it's to difficult to melt the shell!

New study Finds Primary Reason for Overactive Bladder

Need We Say More?

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Hairdresser for American Idol Fired

Well we are all aware that Jen Lopez and Steven Tyler are the judges for the next season of American Idol.  What we didn't count on was that they would be looking like twins.  Seriously look at the current photos and you tell me which one is Jen and which is Steven.  That hairdresser should be flogged, unless the poor thing only knows how to do one hairstyle...Yikes!

And just for the record, does anyone know who the guy on the end is? Lost camera man Maybe?  I want Simon Back!!!

Calverton Woman Arrested for Planning Copycat Acid Attack to Self

Eileen Wesbitt of calverton was arrested late last night in Gordon heights, where she was apparently trying to purchase LSD for a copycat Acid Attack on herself.  She explained that she intended to stick the LSD (also known as acid in the drug world) tabs to her face and wait for the caustic burns.  Due to the condition of her face the police believed originally they had not gotten there in time, but they were mistaken.  Eileen has been admitted to SUNY Stonybrook University Psychiatric ward for further evaluation.  On a side note her husband Tim was also arrested as an accomplice, he was covered in black shoe polish and fully prepared to play the role of the Black woman accused in the original attack.

Ad: Global Fan

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side affects include internal and external bleeding, runny nose, cough,

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kidney failure, respiratory failure, heart failure, heart attack, nerve failure, certain death, etc.

(battery's not included)



WEEKLY SPECIALS AT THE LOCAL GROCER

RICK'S RECYCLED FOOD
-----------------------------------
store hours: every Tuesday 1pm-2pm


CHICKEN PARTS 0.99/LB
beaks, toes, and feathers included
-------------------------------------

PEPSI 12 oz/0.99/bottle
previously recycled
-------------------------------------

ALUMINUM FOIL  $1.49
1.33 foot roll
-------------------------------------

SPARE RIBS $1.49/lb
meat not included
-------------------------------------

***Coupons are accepted every fifth Sunday of the month

New Program Replaces Twelve Steps

Have you tried the classic 12 step program for your problem.  Followed the guidelines, done the work necessary to recover from your ailment?

If you answered no, then this is the program for you.  Are you lazy, discontent, and unable to follow through with the easiest of tasks? Do you like others doing the work for you?  Have you been searching for the EASY way out?

Well I have found it, and I am here to offer it to you, for a small price.  What would you pay to find an easy, one step solution to your problem? ....$10.00...maybe $11.00 (if you even have a job)

Good News..the next time you are able to get off the couch to grab that beer just write a check for $0.50 and mail it to: Egotistically Incapable of Committing Program,  c/o my parents couch, 1313 Mockingbird lane, suite# couch,  Lazington, MI 25253


In 12 to 15 months, or when I get around to it, you will recieve your full one step STOP program.  Included you will find the secret motto:

                                                                STOP

Good Luck and grab me a cool one while your up!

                                           

Letter to the Manufacturer of Soothing Night time Baby Bath

So I did it, I (cheap as I am) spent the extra $0.67 to get a soothing, sleep inducing baby bath shampoo.  Guaranteed to sooth your restless baby right to sleep.  Five days after purchasing this product I wrote this letter to the manufacturer:

To Whom it May Concern:

   I wanted to write and tell you how well your product performed for me sooner , but they wouldn't allow me to have anything as sharp as a pen here until today.  As you can imagine I was kind of excited to try your product, I should have known that lavender was nothing more than a color to your company.  The only one sleep induced was me, after five days of my baby screaming I guess I kind of checked out.  The EMT'S said I was mumbling something about soothing vapors when they were strapping me to the gurny.  The good news is that I am expected to make a full recovery, the bad news is I lost my receipt for your product and cannot redeem my $2.67.  I was hoping you might consider refunding it directly to me as it would really help with my current medical and legal bills.

Thank you for your consideration,

Sleepless in Seattle

Curing Social Anxiety

"Everything seems smoother now".  To improve this effect and improve the looks of your surroundings try removing your glasses too!